hurricane?

So, we buckled down for the hurricane last night and it was somewhat anti-climactic. It was noisy and rainy for aabout an hour then the eye passed through. the enws kept saying the second half was gonna be the worst. In our area, however, it didn't seem to be much of anything. it never got back to being really noisy as it had earlier. then this morning i was driving through aventura with Brad and the power was out everywhere (not at our house) and there were huge trees down all over and debris everywhere. i even saw a corrugated tin roof splayed across a parking lot instead of over a playground. but here, as i said, it was relatively uneventful.
Brad has a young woman flying in from New York tommorow night to spend sunday and monday with us. If he likes her then she will be the girls' new nanny. If that is the case then she will come back for good the following weekend. I will then overlap with her for a week and leave the following weekend from her arrival. so, if all goes well, i might be leaving in two weeks. at the least, she will be a helping hand for me on sunday and monday which will be nice.
We'll see how it goes....

and i'm done....

Last night i told my boss that i am not happy here and i won't be. so i can't stay. point blank, nothing else to say. so i'm here until we find a replacement and i train her adequately. he's said he'll get me on my way as soon as possible....
so happy to have an end in sight.
my future stretches before me once again like a beautiful monet-esque pond full of waterlilies.

Agape Love, minus the deity

how much do we owe the ones we love? those who can not reciprocate beyond giving need. the answer would be nothing, actually there is no answer because it begs the question of agape love in the first place. agape being one sided, no reciprocation considered. or ever a part of it. but it still feels like we owe them simply because we loved in the first place. i'm talking, of course, about the girls. in truth, i owe them nothing. especially not my guilt. but that doesn't make it any less present. which sucks. but there comes a point where i have to make a decision concerning what is right for me and not is right for anyone else. especially consideering that even by being here i can't improve their situation. i can only give it a cheap, easily peeled bandaid. simply because i'm not the one responsible for doing so. i am not their parent. i'm not as cold as this sounds. it's taken me some serious thought and discussion with trusted loved advisors to come to this point. Now i just need to assuage my intimidation. it's bizarre that it seems so hard. it makes me feel like i don't even recognize myself. which makes me even more angry and even more unhappy. which make sme realize even more that i need to be anywhere but here. and i wise person told me today not to make a decision of where to be on the 'anywhere but here' ideal. so i'll say watertown instead of here....

sex, drugs, cocoa puffs

Another day off begins....
I don't know what to do with my day and i pressure myself to make it worthwhile because i hate to waste my free time. I always want to do something meaningful and restful. Which, of course, usually consists of me hanging out at the light house with an iced coffee, writing letters and reading or painting. I stay until i can't possibly sit on stone steps anymore, then i go have lunch in one of the close by air-conditioned cafes...then i return to the steps until i have to go home.
recently i have been hanging out with Danny, who i met at the lighthouse. A creative, intelligent and not superficial guy! i thought they didn't exist here. What a relief to meet someone normal, whatever normal means. Someone who can help me feel less crazy around here in the land of money and appearances.

Lately I have been reading a book that Danny lent me which i would like to reccomend to one and all. Or, to everyone around my age (give or take ten ears or so). It is called "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs". It is a hilariously funny social commentary that can be appreciated by all of us who grew up with the kids of saved by the bell and 90210 and ever played the sims. I am enjoying reading his analysis, although the truth that rings out of his words saddens me somewhat. although, i suppose it doesn't have to be sad. it's just true, for better or worse. or perhaps for better AND worse. you have to take the good with the bad.
I always say the bad is just as much a part of life as the good. it's got a bad rep, but it is just as valid as the good. by denying the bad we are attempting to throw off the balance of good and evil, when we know that we will never succeed. We just hope to pretend that things are only good. when it shouldn't be necessary to pretend. ups, downs. "it is only in darkness that one can see the light." experience your emotions (positive or negative) and chanel them into useful actions. that's all you can do, right?
wow, i digress....i reccomend you read the book.

I know someone famous...

I'm not sure how many of you have heard of her, but she is quite famous in the Toronto academic circuit.
Ms. JILL RUDY
She was a good friend of mine in university and has recently been given two honorary ph.d.'s from both U of T and UBC. Congratulations Jill! you escaped the lethargic academia that was Brantford.
Apparently, Jill wrote an interesting thesis on the comparative effects of lobby art in lawyers's offices. I know, bizarre and obscure, you're thinking, almost silly. but it was interesting enough for both those universities to want to get their hands on it. So, now she can head back to Laurier Brantford with her head held high and throw skittles into Dr. Groarke's office. And, i'm sure she will.
She will of course be accompanied by Sean Quin and Kirby. Sean, not having received any honorary ph.d.'s, but having writen an interesting thesis nonetheless. His empirical analysis of African tree art and the bipolar behaviour that many artist of such have exhibitied (get it? exhibited?) is gaining noteriety. i doff my hat too you also Sean.
Have fun you three. throw some skittles for me.

Define Lie

How horrible is it really to tell a lie? I am preparing to take on a completely fictitious role in the name of self-preservation and happiness. Telling a lie that will affect almost no one and really only make a difficult situation easier. in the long run. And the person who will be affected by it has painted me into a moral corner from which i feel it is not only my wish, but my divine animal right to escape from by any means necessary.
It makes me laugh how dramatic and crazy my life can seem, while it really just moves along one day at a time like everyone else's.
Also, in doing this I will be improving things not only for myself, which is important, but for someone else that i love. Two people will be made happy through this lie. hmm. how hard it is to beat back the conditioning we have been given since infancy regarding the black and white contrast of morality.
I am looking forward to the future. I am happy. I am glad of my decisions and don't regret anything.

back at the fake lighthouse...

So, last night i packed up my necessities into my butterfly bag (thank you Joelene) and headed back to the fake lighthouse. After the crazy turbulence of the last four days I needed to get away from all things miami-esque. I found my most favourite spot on the second stair from the top, right in the middle. front and centre. with the lighthouse behind me i feel as though everything is in front of me. which, i suppose it is. what is not ahead of me other than that which i have already experienced?

i sketched and painted and listened to Alanis's live MTV album. i stared into the sky and the water and remained in a relatively dreamlike state of mind for a long time.

i then moved on to letter writing. i pulled out my faery stationary and my favourite pen and switched to the Romeo and Juliet Soundtrack.

As i was writing the second page of my first letter, a guy walked up and climbed the stairs into the light house. he was carrying a guitar case. I was shocked and so happy to find that someone else appreciated this sacred introspective space. He was there to do the same thing as i was, but instead of writing and painting he was playing and singing. I took out my headphones and proceeded to write my letters by the soundtrack of his music. Since he was sitting within the arch of the lighthouse i could not see him, only hear him casting loose pink floyd, the beatles, clapton... it was like having a soundtrack to my soul searching. like living in a moment of perfection...or perhaps a movie.

to be continued......

american perception of a canadian woman

You think it's so strange
that i'm polite all the time
you think i'm not settled
because i say thank you
you think i have nothing
and that's why i'm grateful
you think i'll get down on
my polite little knees

Don't mistake kindness for weakness
my manners aren't proof that i'm scared
i see you and how you perceive what
you do
but i won't change
i won't give up my kindness to fit you
that's where my strength lies

you think it's so strange
that i'm hopeful all the time
you think i'm not wordly
because i look forward
you think i hold nothing
and that's why i'm dreaming
you think i'll get down on
my optimistic knees

don't mistake idealism for weakness
my positivity isn't proof of my ignorance
i see you and how you perceive what
you do
but i won't change
i won't give up my idealism to fit you
that's where my strength lies

you think it's so strange
that i'm pleasant all the time
you think i'm not real
because i don't objectify
you think i'm worth nothing
and that's why i came here
you think i'll get down on
my Canadian knees

don't mistake my contentment for weakness
My giggling isn't proof of low inteligence
i see you and how you perceive what
you do
but i won't change
i won't give up my fulfillment to fit you
that's where my strength lies

Don't think that i haven't been
brutally beaten
Don't think that i haven't been
dubiously dropped
Don't think that i haven't been
horribly hurt
Just know i won't sour
i choose consciously happy
not unconsciously naive

Don't mistake my self for weakness
my character is proof of my values
I see you and how you perceive what
you do
but i won't change
i won't give up my happiness to fit you
that's where my strength lies

Cousin Jenny...

Congratulations! My mom told me about your pregnancy. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for a wonderfully healthy and happy baby! Please tell Ian and Olivia i said congratulations too. I hear Olivia is wowwing everyone with her dramatic skills. It's no wonder with our genes. Cunningham women are pretty powerful to contend with!

Dreams aren't perfect...

...they come true, not free.
I heard that today and thought that no truer words have ever been spoken. I feel as though i'm paying such a high cost for a chance to live my dreams. although, that's just me being dramatic of course. in the wide scope of things the cost is not so high and I have already been blessed with many dreams realized. so, i will have to suck it up and stop being such a baby. although, i will continue to moon over Rex in these, my cathartic entries. almost as though it were a place of complete anonymity. what a wonder the iternet is, to give such a feeling of liberation that i can write as though no one will read and yet anyone could.

I have found a wonderful new spot perfect for introspection, letter and journal writing and general soul searching. it is about a 20 minute walk from here. It is a sadly placed fake lighthouse. sad because it is fake. it has no purpose except to make the rich people around here feel like they are living in a wistful, romantic cove. so, of course it is usually fairly lonely. now i will keep it company. it has a large set of stone steps leading up to it where i like to spread out my journal, stationary, discman, phone, book and whatever else i've taken with me. it is wonderful. Yesterday i spent several hours there in the afternoon and then returned in the evening. it calls to me and in these days of turmoil with my employer it gives me a strange kind of peace that i love so much.

I will probably spend most of the day there on friday. to be out of the house. and somewhere where i can think uninterrupted.

Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making

First day back after a weekend in Watertown, NY. I am on the downswing of my cold and feeling blah. The girls, thankfully, are better. I played with them this morning and then dropped them off at daycamp. So, I am free until 12.

Another bittersweet weekend. Steph, Jerry, Me and Rex had a great time all weekend. On saturday we spent a perfect day out on the lake in Jerry's boat. tubing, swimming and enjoying the beautiful weather. Then we went back to their apartment for a barbeque and a late night game of charades. Rex, now that he is my boyfriend, had to be inducted into our crazy tradition of pictionary/charades. He was skeptical at first, but hey, Jerry was the first time too. After having claimed to be a poor charader, Rex proved to be pretty adept at both acting and drawing our bizarre references. While we still lost miserably, we put forth a valiant effort. and next year, Team Stover/Fortin is going down! Team Sweet/Sexy is gonna bring home the trophy.

All in all it was a weekend of perfect happy times. I am so happy to have Rex. He has made me happier than i've ever felt. IT's bizarre to be with someone who has not annoyed me in any way. I know that sounds strange. There are very few men who don't have something that makes me think "ugh!" Not that i think we will never annoy each other. I may be in love, but i'm not that naive. But, i'm usually so quick to find something that sucks. and there's really nothing i would change about him. We are the same in all the right ways. Which makes me feel badly for those who will keep company with us in the future. We will be that obnoxiously happy and boisterous couple who are constantly stealing the show. The ones that everyone wants to come to their party, but will incite more than a few eye rolls in the mean time.

So, now my future is ...well...i'm pondering so much. Will I ever move back to Canada? I love it so much and have never wanted to be a permanent resident of the US. Now, though Rex and I have been discussing our future plans. After I am done here in Florida I will be moving up to Watertown to be there when he gets back from Iraq. Then, depending on whether or not he re-enlists, i will be moving with him to either Louisiana or Texas. So, why am i keepingmy partment in Elmvale? i don't want to give it up. I love it so much even if i'm not there. but i kept it with the thought that i would live in it again one day. Now, if i'm not moving back then i might as well give it up and start saving that extra money. it's all so crazy. but he's so great.

I couldn't imagine being much happier. Unless, i got to actually be nearer to him instead of being here while he's in Iraq. That is pretty sucky. Good thing I'm a lover of correspondence. and i have a stockpile of pretty stationary.

He was the sweetest when he saw me off at the airport yesterday. Holding me while i cried like a little baby. Why must i be so dramatic? I am not good at holding back the tears. I cried all the way to the gate, kept it together (sort of) for boarding and then cried, sobbed actually while we took off. I felt badly for the gentleman sitting next to me. It must have been awkward. I had my earphones on, listening to Alanis while i stared out the window and cried all the way to Philadelphia.

It's an odd thing to be someone's girlfriend again after all this time of being single. All of you who questioned my need to be single, and were told that i wanted to continue until i found someone worth changing my lifestyle for....i found him. and now i have committed seriously and to the idea of waiting while he is in Iraq. My boyfriend leaves for Iraq on saturday. how heartbreaking. but he's worth it. i've never known someone who could even come close to contending with Rex for being worth waiting for. I am happy.

Sleepless Soul Searching

I have woken up with what appears to be the foul beginnings of a cold. The girls have been so sick and i suppose it serves me right for thinking I am impervious to sickness. After wasting time tossing and turning in bed, I decided to get up and not frustrate myself by kicking at the blankets and trying to sniff my sinuses clear.

So now I'm up. And what can you do at 2:30 am, other than stare down the barbarous face of your soul and force her to answer your questions.

I can't remember the last time i couldn't sleep. I can always sleep, in fact it is a point of laughter for Steph that I am always napping. it's the secret to my success, she says. So, i ask myself, am i not sleeping because of my struggling nasal passages or because I can't stop thinking about a certain person who is threatening to pull down the walls that I have so painstakingly built up for my protection and self-preservation? I forged this Rapunzel-esque tower so long ago in an effort to rise above the negative elements keeping me back from freedom of spirit. For a while I was a prisoner in my own tower of strength. As so many people become.

"And the grave that you refuse to leave The refuge that you've built to flee The places that you've come to fear the most It's the place that you have come to fear the most"

Once I realized that I my pheonix act had actually burned me and made me cynical I set about making myself the Queen of my prison. And I feel content in having done so. Not to say that I have changed so much, but perhaps just tried to be aware of the self-infliction of my incarceration. By looking to myself not only for where to lay blame, but also to make change I managed to become the glowing ember that I have remained for what seems like eternity and makes me look back at past relationships and experiences as lifetimes past.

So, now that someone has entered my realm, I am losing sleep. I am not afraid to open the doors of my personal utopia, but rather afraid because I am not afraid. I had become somewhat settled in the idea that I would not be able to share this contented lifestyle with anyone. mostly because i assumed that I would be compromising the sterility of my happiness by letting in someone else's air. and i suppose i will be. i just didn't think that it would be so easy. especially since I have pretty strong, and quick defences. unfairly so (for anyone trying to get in). I have jumped to the defense of my castle so swiftly and much of the time viciously. guarding what is mine.

and then he walks in to my life and i somehow manage to be the gracious hostess of my soul without throwing out the guards ahead of myself.

his ability to instantaneously disarm me has impressed me. he has managed to disarm me, yet keep the strength intact. or perhaps i have managed to disarm and still be strong.

and so, when i told Brad, "this one's different" I heard how horribly cliched it sounded. and i don't blame him entirely for questioning the legitimacy of my feelings. Why is he different? I don't know. What is it that has given him this access to my feelings in a way that no other has had? I have no idea. But i want to find out. There is the difference. He has gained pasage that no other has been given and I would like to explore how and why all of a sudden i feel free to give this and why him. that's why he's different. so perhaps it's not him that's different. it's us. it's this time.

My challenge now is to recognize that my need for perfection in relationships is unrealistic and to not let this demand prevent the piecing together of whatever we might put forth. The perfection has already been tainted by a slap-in-the-face dose of reality. Which, thankfully has been resolved. i feel myself wanting to resort to pretend-that-didn't-happen mode in order to retain my projected ideal of what we should be. but i don't want to. i want to deal with this head on so that i won't be setting us up for a dramatic fall later like i have done in the past. is recognition of my unmeetable standards enough? or do i actually have to stop having them? that sounds so hard. how do you dig out something that you carved into yourself so deeply without meaning to?

it's funny how honest we have been with each other. it's a good thing we feel similarly or we would definetly have freaked each other out! I told him today that I was scared because i've really put my all into him already, so quickly, on so little. and because i never allow that to happen, if this doesn't work out I'm worried that it will break down part of my contented nature. part of me. and he replied that if it doesn't work out it will be my fault because he's all in for me. and i laughed. it was perfect. my kind of perfect. He tells me like it is like i do him and i love it. no one else has ever reciprocated such honesty of feeling, at least not managing to express it in a way that i respond well to. Steph you were right when you said he's good for me because he's not gonna kiss my ass. I loved someone once, a lifetime ago, because he was the first man to ever say no to me and mean it. Although, that was a more spell-bindingly oppresive kind of no. This honesty and fairplay, forcing me to be as accountable as he is willing to be, encourages me. It makes me want to play fair. Something I haven't done with any man in a long time.

That's why this one is different.

Faery Elsie from my pirate Brother

I know it's hard to see. this, however, is my next tattoo. My Wonderful Brother, Chris, drew it for me for my 24th birthday. Best present that i got. it is pasted in my journal, so i figured that putting it into my online journal would not only be fitting, but also a way to show it off to the world.

It is a drawing of a faery called Elsie. When i got it in the mail i cried. it made me feel loved and understood and above all tugged on the cord that attaches my heart to that of my brother. While he may be less excited about my gushy emotional words, i'm sure he feels it too. He drew me this picture because he knew i would love it. on so many levels.
it's a me picture.
drawn by him.
and that means everything.

I am so glad to have a brother who is such a unique and unmatchable spirit. I wouldn't have it any other way. If he didn't dislike his full name i would probably name a future son after him. I may still do it and just name my son sazzmo. although he's probably saving that for his son. i guess i won't steal it.

Sweet Laura?!? What kind of moniker is that?!?

It's more of an adjective than a nickname right? Although, i'm sure that many would say that there's nothing sweet about me. That brings a smile to my lips. At the laughable opposite I can be to my beloved nickname. I think there are quite a few, men mostly, who would indeed question my posession of a soul and/or heart, let alone my rights to carry the name of Sweet.
Despite them, the ones who know me best of all, that is to know the purely happy and eternally positive side of my Gemini-ness, have perpetuated the name of Sweet Laura. and i love it.

It all began last summer. Stephanie was newly in love and as such she was floating on the "everything is wonderful, life is beautiful" cloud that we all get to experience once in our lives if we are lucky. That factor, coupled with our shared tendency to be loud and break into song mid-sentence (lending weight to musicals as slightly more realistic than everyone thought), led her to sing my name upon my entrance into her workplace, her apartment, or anywhere that i came upon her.

"SwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeT Laaauuuuuuuraaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Music to my ears. And the ears of anyone who happened to be standing around the gas station where she worked.

As she and Jerry became closer and they learned more about each other, he came to know me through her as Sweet Laura. In turn, he came to call me that as well. Ever since then, when I am introduced to anyone through them or spoken of, this is how i am refered to. So, now that i have met much of Jerry's family in Texas this past New Years and again last weekend, I am known to them as Sweet Laura. In Texas the children are taught to address grown ups as sir/ma'am etc. So all the kids call me Miss Sweet Laura. And Ashley calls me Auntie Sweet Laura. I LOVE it. Who wouldn't? Miss Sweet Laura is a title I will take anyday and enjoy everytime that i hear it.
I'm not sure if this is even interesting to anyone reading this, but...meh.

OF course! I am no less excited to hear my other nicknames. I would be saddened to hear Randi or Joelene refer to me as Laura instead of Elsie. And i will always see myself as Elsie to Joelene, Darb, Randi and my most wondrous friends in that crowd. Elsie is a nickname that I will always love because it remminds me of those certain special people and our times. Especially since those to whom I am Elsie were my unswervingly supportive and loyal companions at a time when I was so lost that i could not see into my own future.

Then, as a was just yesterday reminded by Wes, there is the "Hot Laura" phase. I'm sure that Wes is the only one who would still call me that (at least in reference to it's original debut). Good old Alana, always could be counted on to make people say things that were somewhat awkward, but usually true. Like when she forced her boyfriend to admit that he thought I was hot. And then forever afterward she insisted or refering to me as Hot Laura and would push others to. Who wouldn't like that? Only, this is not the kind of nickname that one can usually tell to others since it carries with it a heavy load of assumption and condemnation from others. It served me well in highschool though. Especially during the summer where i had a brief fling with Handsome Nick from the Safari. Handsome Nick and Hot Laura. What a pair.

And now that I am known to the Steph and Jerry crowd as Sweet Laura, I have also been introduced as such to many of Jerry's soldier friends. One in particular with whom I am quite taken is called Rex by all the guys. When we met him back in March Steph and I immediately began calling him Sexy Rexy, because you must when someone is called Rex. Especially if you've ever watched Empire Records. So now we have the matching of Sweet Laura and Sexy Rexy. How crazy. I'm just glad that i didn't fall for Slimey Skimey. He's funny and all, but who wants a boyfriend named Slimey Skimey? Not this girl.

Company with Women

We met in a coffee shop
I'm glad we found the time
It's nice to sit and have a conversation with you that's not so rushed.
We talked of everything political
I wondered aloud if we should feel guilty for being an overindulgent society
You replied that acknowledgement of the lenience we allow ourselves is a big step
I said it's nice to have a socio-political conversation with a woman my age
You said as much as you love your friends they don't understand or enjoy these topics
I enjoyed our time together so much that i had to write it all down
because i needed to immortalize the fabulous feeling
that comes from spending time with you

I came to visit you at work
I stayed until you closed
I followed you home to hear about your weekend
when you played at being grown up
We talked about our lovesand you worried aloud that it might not be as perfect as it seems
I asked you why a lack of precedence implies insincerity and heartbreak impending
you said maybe i'm just crazyit's scary to feel so much what about you
i said i worry that if i reveal myself i'll be the crazy girl but if i don't he won't fall in love with me
and we both laughed
we didn't come to any conclusions but it was nice to say it out loud
i enjoyed our time together so much that i had to write it all down
because i needed to immortalize the fabulous feeling that comes from spending time with you

it's been so long since i've kept company with women like you two
i feel so understood and listened to
when we spend time together
i'll be forever grateful for the sameness and the difference
i love you both so wholly

Texas Weekend

A bittersweet weekend in Cleveland, Texas. Jerry, Stephanie's boyfriend, is headed to Iraq for a year of deployment. His going away party was hosted by his daddy, Smokey Stover. what a great name. Smokey. So, we gathered at Smokey's lakehouse where i was able to finally meet the infamous Auntie Margo and her husband John and children Pete and Deb. Auntie Margo has adapted my nickname due to my new dark red haircolour. Up until now everyone has called me Sweet Laura, except the kids who call me Miss Sweet Laura and Ashley who calls me Auntie Sweet Laura. i love that so much. Deb's husband, Pat, upon questioning from Auntie Margo said that he thought my hair colour was sassy. So Auntie Margo started calling Sweet and Saasy Laura, then just dropped the Laura. Now i'm simply "Sweet and Sassy". Another reason to love life. If you are constantly called "Sweet and Sassy" you can't help but love life.
In this picture to the left I am wearing Pete's hat. As the night of the party wore on we, in true lakehouse style, started to dance drunkenly on the dock. Being a fan of the two-step, yet not too proficient at it, I danced with the men who boasted the best abilities. As Rex and I danced on the dock Pete said that the only thing I was missing was a hat, and gave me his. ahe was right. It completed the look for the picture. Those Texas boys are gentlemenly dancers. It sure can sweep a girl off her feet.
Quite literally. I was thrown into the lake not once, but twice, by guys who are too old to punch you and run away and haven't come up with anything else yet. Once i had my pants on still over my bathing suit. Once i was in my pajamas. But it was fun. The lake is so beautiful, despite the icky, mucky bottom that makes you want to tread water even thought it's only 5 feet deep.
I tried my hand at waterskiing. Or my feet rather. I was so scared. Everytime i got up I panicked and let go or fell over. But i'm glad that i didn't wuss out. plus, i was told that wouldn't be very sassy. They wanted to see me put some sass into the waterskiing! They were so sweet to me. Until Stephanie mocked me for being too small for all the lifejackets and remarked that perhaps i should try the barbie lifejackets for the girls (who are 6!!) and then Pat burned me all afternoon about being Barbie. Despite the roast, it was the best time i've had in a long time. The kind of weekend that's all about family and friends and enjoying each other's company and just relaxing however you want to relax. I was perfectly happy there for a few moments. perfectly. the kind of moment that is so easy to miss if you don't relish it at precisely the right time. Jerry took Steph, Jenny, Steve and myself out on the boat, just around the lake and into the inlets. it was so peaceful and i felt contented in the way that you only can when you are surrounded by people you love unconditionally and who love you and in a beautiful place with no distraction. Again, i realize how fortunate I am in the uniqueness that is my life. and i am happy.

My Week Off

July 2005

Since we had the girls for two weeks straight when we went to NY, their mom took them for a whole week in July. So, what to do with my week off? i didn't want to stick around here. Living where you work makes you feel like you work on your days off ( and much of the time you do). So, get away! but to where?....

Firstly, Laura Robinson and her family came down for a conference that her father was involved in. So she was here for the first weekend of my holiday. What a wonderful visit! It was so wonderful to have someone i love come to where i live. (you were great too Darb, but too short a visit) We did all the girly things we used to do, only we were missing Joelene (sniff). I now have some amazing pictures of the two of us dressed up for our nights on the town. I even have some cute pictures of us with some giraffes in downtown Miami. I wish i could tell you a back story there, but they really just appeared all of a sudden. We had many an adventure including an old drunken man who insisted that he stay because he thought i was intriguing. mostly because i kept smart mouthing him and refusing to tell him anything true about myself. i answered every one of his questions with an outrageous answer...for example my ten children. and then this cute guy who had been laughing at our conversation came up behind me and told the guy that he was my husband. it was well played and we hung out with that guy, Casey, for the rest of the night. He was a great dancer and a really nice guy. And he lives in hawaii. you can't have too many friends that live in hawaii.
It was sad to say goodbye to her on sunday night. i cried like a little baby.

On monday morning i flew to Ohio. Ohio? why Ohio? yes, those of you who listened when i talked last summer know that i went to visit the object of my midnight roadtrip from last August....Medic Mike. He's at Kent university now. I spent the rest of the week with him and meeting all his school friends. We had a blast. Of course they are the going out, univeristy party crowd. They asked me to stay there, cause i'm "cool". I said i can't cause i have to work at which point Ryan, a fraternity member said that he thought his brothers and he could use a nanny in the frat house. hmmmm. i suppose it wouldn't be a great idea.

Being there brought my head back to where it should be about the job that i have. I had been feeling sorry for myself over different minor issues to do with my job in the few weeks before. While i was there Mike's friends were asking me about my job and it comes off sounding so ideal. It made me realize that i need to stop expecting perfection all the time. take the good with the bad. I have a pretty unique and ideal situation. more fortunate than most people. so, i like to think i came back with a renewed attitude! A little introspection never hurt anyone.

Nanny in New York

June 2005

Doesn't that sound like the title of a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie? I suppose that would have to be plural...Nannies in New York. Anyway....

After our weekend at Disneyworld, my birthday on that wednesday, we then flew to New York the following saturday. what a week! We flew with the girls into JFK and then drove out to the Hamptons. Brad's sister, Audrey, and her husband and children live there in the summer (and in the city off Central Park the rest of the year, of course). I was so nervous to fly with the girls. I can't imagine how awful it would be to have one of them throw a temper tantrum on the plane! What can you do? They scream and everyone hates you. But, thankfully, they were as good as one can expect toddlers to be. even better. Once we got our rental car and started driving, however, Alexa threw up all over herself, the car seats, the diaper bag, the toy bag, brad's briefcase and me. As i'm trying to clean her and do general damage control Brad took the wrong exit. what a way to start.

But our visit was really nice. we didn't end up staying as long as we originally planned due to some unforseen disagreements. but while we were there the girls had a fabulous time playing with their cousins Max and Isabella (4 yrs and 2.5 yrs). They have a great big backyard with great outside toys and a nice pool. Each day we went into one of the different towns, East Hampton, South Hampton, Bridgehampton etc. It was really nice and the towns were really cute. but, i didn't see what all the fuss was about. It was like Cookstown, or St. Jacobs. Lots of cute little stores and cafes and real trees and flowers. so i think the New yorkers just don't remember what real foliage is like and they get crazy over it. It was like living in the country around New Lowell, except all the houses are enormous.

We then went to the city and stayed at the 70 Park avenue hotel. We did the tourist thing with the girls. We took them on a horse and Buggy ride through Central Park, up in the Empire State building, and just spent a day walking around the streets looking at the sights. It was sooo much fun to see everything and just be a part of the energy that buzzes through New York.
Brad has this great Sony camera that records everything directly onto a 3 inch cd. As soon as i figure out how to copy it i am going to send the cd to a bunch of you so you can see the videos as well as the stills. We got a lot of good video of us and the girls and i can't wait to share it. i wish i was more techniacally inclined so i could easily send it.

Disneyworld Nanny

June 2005

As my birthday was approaching I was becoming homesick for my loved ones in Canada. Those of you who know me well know that I am not a big fan of christmas or really any holiday. My birthday, however, I make into a holiday of its own every year. Being in Aventura, I had no friends with whom to go out, no family to celebrate with and I had to work on the day of (and through the night and the next day. 24 hour job!) my birthday.

Then, the weekend before my birthday, we were to have the girls for an extra day because their mother was going away. That gave us from friday afternoon until monday evening. That thursday Brad decided we should go to Disney world! So i spent all day friday packing and we drove up there friday evening while the girls slept in the car.

When we arrived around 11pm the girls woke up as we got them into the hotel. We got all settled in our room and then Cory decided that she would stay awake until 5 am. Of course, Alexa, having slept well, got up around 7. So, we all went out for our first day and went to Epcot and the Magic Kingdom with two confused and one rather cranky toddlers. It was very hot and very rainy, but we didn't mind. we had a good time.

The girls being so little, we didn't go on many rides, but we did go on the "Peter Pan" and the "It's a small world" rides. I'm glad i've finally seen the famous faces of "it's a small world" and Yes, it is as creepy as you would think. Hundreds of tiny pretend children singing in different languages, and dancing with jerky movements from point a to point b. extrememly weird, but the girls loved it. We also saw the beautiful Epcot fireworks display.
On our second day we went to the animal kingdom. For any of you who shared my fabulous experience of working at the African Lion Safari, you could probably save yourself several hundred dollars. Same idea. Although, we got to see an interactive Lion King performance which was really neat to watch. Between trying to convince the girls that they need not be scared.

The trip was extrememly enjoyable. At first i couldn't quite put my finger on why it felt so different from other family-type trips i'd been on. Then i realized, to my shock and an accompanying eery feeling, that I was the adult on this vacation. When you participate in family holidays (Pirate BBQs etc) or activities with your family, even though you are almost 24, you are still one of the kids. And then here I was being the one to say "I don't know, you've already had so much candy" and "little girls who whine don't get to have a balloon" **Shudder**

And so, I had a low-key birthday with Brad, his parents and the girls. Brad's mom got me a nice cake which the girls were thrilled to eat instead of their dinner. And I was happy at having been able to enjoy a family vacation at Disneyworld with my borrowed family.

I was extremely impressed at how accessible the parks were. We, of course, were sporting a double stroller and the usual toddler accessories (times two) such as diaper bag, favourite toys, sippy cups, rain coats etc. The whole time I was there I was scoping it out for the great Disabato trip of 2006(7?). There were employees everywhere who were happy and helpful getting you where you needed to go with strollers, wheelchairs or whatever. I can't imagine how they managed to implement such accessability. But i was impressed. It was a relief to see that our unique family dynamic will in no way impede the great Disabato adventure to Disneyworld that has been so long in the planning.

Miami?!? What are you doing in miami?!?

In the middle of April I got an email from Brad Arnowitz, containing an undertone of urgency, asking me to call him. So, i called. In typical Brad-no dancing around the issue-style he immediately asked me to come and work for him again. I was surprised of course, but intrigued. Thinking perhaps that it might be the change i was needing since i was starting to feel that typical Laura restlessness that creeps up on me and tells me it's time for another life altering, sudden, unpredictable (and as many of you have told me many times, unadvisable) change.

Stephanie, my best friend and truest confidant, had just moved to the US to live in glamorous Watertown, NY. She and I had been joking in our usual style of all the potential scenarios that would bring me back to the States so that i could work and live near her and Jerry. Then I get Brad's offer. I told him no at first of course. Because who says yes when someone calls them out of the blue after a year and a half and says "can you move back to Florida? and i need you within the next two weeks? and i need you to stay at least a year!" well, apparently i do. but at first i thought i couldn't. so i took a day and thought about it and made a list of all the reasons not to go. Then i called him and read him my list and he solved every issue until i had only fear of the unknown impacts of such a decision hanging over my head.

Since i've never really let that stop me before, sometimes to a good end and sometimes not, i didn't let it stop me this time. I went the next day to Ken and Geri, my most amazing bosses at the time and told them what was happening. That was probably my only regret about coming. Working at Rounds' Ranch was not only a learning experience for me in the professional aspect, but also in a personal. The growth which i feel i experienced in the short year I worked with the Rounds and the other employees is unmatchable. It was the first time i saw the beauty of what religion could be and the love that it can spread among people. Sigh, I digress. So, i agreed and two weeks into April here i was walking Cory and Alexa to the park and immediately losing about 15 pounds as i tried to learn the time management necessary with toddlers if you want to eat or shower or do anything that one takes for granted when we are young and indestructable.

So, now I am a professional nanny. What a bizarre and yet perfectly suited place for me to end up. The girls are Cory and Alexa. They will be 2 on August 13th. I am in constant amazement of what it is to be needed, really needed by a tiny soul (or 2 as the case may be). It is an interesting thing to watch twins develop (as i'm sure it is for singletons too, but twins is my perspective for now). They look to each other for cues on what to do and it intrigues me. I have taught them to always use "please" and "thank you" and it is so interesting to watch because Cory will always go behind Alexa and let Alexa say the "nice words" for the both of them. As though she thinks that if Alexa says it, then it counts for them both. At first i thought perhaps i hadn't gotten through in trying to teach them to her, but if she and i are alone she will use her " nice words" without being prompted. Everyday brings about another interesting, and many days frustrating, toddler-twin quirk. Nothing, however, can beat the snuggles that the girls like to have on my lap or the way they come to "Lawa" for comfort.

Introduction

Since I moved to Miami in april I have had many an adventure. Not that i didn't before, but it always seems more like true adventure when you are further from home. I wish I had discovered this blog situation before now because I'm going to have to recap my travels and daily news from the past few months. I am glad, however, to have found it since it is hard to always catch up with everyone and let them know what's going on with me down here. When the hurricane came it really made me realize how hard it is to keep everyone posted even with email, mail and phone. So many people wrote me wondering if we were ok and i appreciated the concern! Now, I will keep this page as updated as possible so that you can all check in on me whenever you'd like and explore the rantings of this crazy mind.