A cat in a sweater and a cat on a hot tin roof

That is Stevens (once known as Gimli)wearing a sweater. Now, i know what you're thinking, I also think it's gross to put clothes on animals. BUT...I knit that sweater for stevens. It is the first knitting project I have ever successfully completed. Despite the fact that Stevens was ....shall we say, less than impressed with having to wear the sweater, i think it was great. I am quite proud and now hyper aware of the fact that i will be that aunt who makes ugly sweaters and then shows up and asks you why you're not wearing it and makes you put it on. that's right. and i'm not ashamed. If i spend the time knitting it with love (and/or malice) then you should damn well wear it! I don't care if it is tiny on your chubby, furry body or if you hate the colours! or maybe my knitting skills will progress and i'll become a skilled knittress (word?) .....

And tonight I watched Cat on a hot tin roof. I'd forgotten how much I love that movie. I would like to see the play. I would like to star in the remake of the movie as Maggie the Cat. and while a remake is NEVER more thana poor man's original.... a remake of this movie, now that censorship is a smidge less strict than in '58 , could put back the original language and homosexual references, which would actually bring TW's intended struggle back into the love triangle that is the catalyst for Maggie and Brick's estrangement. how much would i love to play Maggie?!?!? so much i can't even put it into words. and i put everything into words. into long, descriptive paragraphs full of adjectives and synonyms.......that's what i do!

I got the job! I got the job!

I got the email this morning! The nanny job I wanted is mine! I start on february 20th. Man, oh man. I cannot wait. I am so excited. Excited to get the job, to move back into Toronto, to bond with these two children.

2006 is already shaping up to be better than 2005.

I didn't get kissed at midnight on New Year's eve, but I dealt out some sweet karma of loyalty and love. Now, by the second week of January in this new year I am enjoying an intense high. I have been in an unsinkable mood. If something is crumby, or even just mediocre in my day I can stare out the window and day dream about my life.

I love it so.

I am terrified of the variables in my future. Terrified in the way that I am usually before I launch myself and hit the ground running. Scared of someone who listened to me. The only person who heard me describe the feeling of complete and utter happiness I experienced on my road trip and ....he understood. a believer knows another believer. it is the most terrifying of wonderfuls that he understands. I would never have thought that anyone, let alone a guy I don't know, would have seen my paradise. It's like Narnia, you can tell by looking in someone's eyes if they've been there, if they truly understand your love of that place and how it makes you feel. And he has been there. And he understands. To meet such a kindred spirit of understanding was so wonderful. regardless of anything else, any future or any past of this person in my life, this person is important to me for this.

Not to mention the impending wrongs done that are looming to right themselves. A time in 2005 when I felt unloved. rejected. which is now approaching with each passing hour to redeem itself. an explanation, however unnecessary. since I maintain that everyone (if I allow it for myself) is unconditionally allowed to experience and remain true to their own feelings. apparently, however, I am to be overwhelmed now with the chances of being loved. Even though I believe that the ship has sailed on this particular relationship. It is never too late to resolve and reseam. I am not so rich as to deny a friendship. at least not with someone whom I believe has genuine motives.

And so, for many reasons I am happy. Therefor, my attitude is positive and hopeful. My attitude is what encourages me to think that the year will be sensational. I am hopeful. I refuse to not get my hopes up. To have my hopes up is where that thrillingly terrified feeling. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

It's feast or famine with this sister.

inevitably, here they are....

My resolutions for the new year....some frivolous, some not. but resolved they are nonetheless. Although, i wonder...why it is we feel the need to push the idea at the beginning of each year, like it's some obviously spiritual time for cleansing. the new year being something that is a mere measurement to exact everything that is not spiritual. things defined by humanity and our incessant need to ...well, define. While the trees, the insects, the animals do not acknowledge this our new year. it is not even agreed upon by all of humanity, different cultures and races determining their own time for renewal. why do we insist on pushing our own need for rebirth at this time? I am all for a spiritual cleansing, or even a moment of self-acknowledgement. I just question the idea that it is always on Joelene's birthday. Somewhat selfish of us to hog this day and not let her use this day as her day for introspection and rebirth since it is indeed the anniversary of her birth! I just wonder that we don't choose different times, appropriate only to ourselves for this realization of our own limits and lessons learned. and our resolutions to re route our lives.

All that aside...i have decided to immortalize my resolutions in the hopes that these cosmic wishes will work as written affirmations. and i believe they will. Everyone knows, I'm not so much for doing anything i don't feel like doing....so i wouldn't resolve if i didn't believe. I wouldn't affirm if i didn't think it was possible. but then, i think anything is possible for me. I think it is all possible for anyone who believes. (I can hear you shaking your head, but I also believe you can cram it with walnuts!)

Begin everyday as though it were on purpose.
I don't remember where i heard this or who said it, but i certainly can't take credit. I do, however, think it is a sensational way to begin each day and live your life. I am happy today. Today is the reason I was born. Yesterday doesn't matter and tommorow is uncertain. Today, however, has never abandoned me. it is tried and remains ever true, for that I will not forsake today by being a fair-weather friend.

No more boys gone through like water.
It's too easy. And so few have proven worth spending time with. Therefor, I will drink more water (8 glasses a day!) and put down the boys. I'll have to find my "sorry boys, I'm gay" button. or take Marijana and her pen with me to write about my un-dead status.

Stop wasting skills and skipping activities i love for things that don't matter !
I was at one point fluent in french and proficient at ASL. throw in my passably conversational spanish and i could use these as an asset if i could polish them up a little. Not to mention my lack of painting in the last 6 months. My collages and journals having been left behind with my painting. (left behind both literally and figuratively) I love them. They make me happy, so i must spend more time at the things i love.

No more dying my hair anything other than blonde or cutting it (more than a trim) until after Steph's wedding!

Stop pretending I don't love people i do. Stop pretending i do love people i don't.
Ugh. Hard. Hard because of expectations. but harder to live with than without.

Be happy. without explanation or justification.

c'est sensationelle ma vie

I am so excited. I have now booked my hotel and bought my ticket for the Tyler Hilton concert. To the chuckles and head shaking of many I am headed out on my own to north carolina. It's about 12 hours from watertown. Wes has gallantly agreed to burn me a few hours of music to help me on my way. Thus i will probably have no voice when i eventually get there. I shall croon my way through NY, PA, VA and on to NC. It's a shame wes won't be there to video the trip. our plans to solve the problems of the universe are thusly thwarted. I can still pontificate and most likely solve universal problems, but they will not be recorded and like a dream, will probably end up lost to my sub-conscious.
So, i leave on sunday night, with a stopover in Montreal and another in Watertown. Here I go, daring to disturb the universe and see the resulting ripples. My new hair will be the only witness to my adventures. Maybe it's better that way now that i think about it. My goals for the trip are known to the select few who understand me best. and who have the same sense of humour that i do. and i will share with them the stories of my success. i wish i had Streets (the original) to accompany me on my journey. Ah my fair Navigatrix, rest in peace my friend. I'll make you proud....

Not a single regret

You know, my love, I knew
I knew you were my first chance to run
You know, my love, I used you
I used you to convince myself out of here.
You know, my love, I needed you
I needed your help to get away
I knew you were a vessel, not a port.
I just didn't tell you.

And I'm not sorry for using you the way i did
There's no apologies floating around this girl's head
I have no problem sleeping at night, over you
I have not a single regret

You know, my conquests, I knew
I knew you were my chance to forget
You know, my conquests, I used you
I used you to convince myself of needlessness
You know, my conquests, i needed you
I needed your help to be free
I knew you were an adventure, not an undertaking.
I just didn't tell you.

And I'm not sorry for using you the way i did
There's no apologies floating around this girl's head
I have no problem sleeping at night, over you
I have not a single regret

You know, my boss, I knew
I knew you were my chance to nurture
You know, my boss, I used you
I used you to convince myself of my truths
You know, my boss, I needed you
I needed your help to be broken.
I knew you were the trial, not the lesson
I just didn't tell you.

And I'm not sorry for using you the way I did
There's no apologies floating around this girl's head
I have no problem sleeping at night, over you
I have not a single regret

You know, my boy, I knew
I knew you were my next chance to run
You know, my boy, I used you
I used you to convince myself I wasn't so lost
You know, my boy, I needed you
I needed your help to be reclaimed
I knew you were the journey, not the destination.
I just didn't tell you

And I'm not sorry for using you the way i did
There's no apologies floating around this girl's head
I have no problem sleeping at night, over you
I have not a single regret.

If you all formed a club of some kind
If you all got together in one room
If you all compared notes on my heartless technique
bruised egos, death threats, and slanderous comments abounding

but I know, guys, you knew
you knew I was your chance to boast
I know, guys, you used me
you used me to convince yourselves of bloated worth
I know, guys, you needed me
you needed my help to shine
i knew i was a chapter, not the story.
I just didn't tell you

And I'm not sorry for using you the way i did
There's no apologies floating around this girl's head
I have no problem sleeping at night, over you
I have not a single regret

And I'm not sorry
I have not a single regret

Felicidades Compleanyos Auntie Cathy & Chris

Happy Birthday to my Spectacular Brother and my most wondrous Auntie Cathy.
Monday is such a bizarre day to have a birthday. And, thus far, both your monday birthday experiences have held true to form. Auntie Cathy has a house full of sick boys and Chris had several essays due today. One of which he tried to convince me to write last night at midnight. Sorry to let you down little brother. With a little more notice i probably would have. So, here is Chris and his Trenchcat. Auntie Cathy is hard to capture on film. she's elusively always behind the camera.
I love you both and I hope that your day today (respectively) are full of the bizarre wonderment that could only happen to the two of you. two of the most unique and amazing people i've ever known.

Once violated, always violated?

Hey your glass is empty

It’s a hell of a long way home

Why don’t you let me take you

It’s no good to go alone

I never would have opened up

But you seemed so real to me

After all the bullshit I’ve heard

It’s refreshing not to see

I don’t have to pretend

She doesn’t expect it from me

Don’t tell me I haven’t been good to you

Don’t tell me I have never been there for you

Don’t tell me why

Nothing is good enough

Hey little girl would you like some candy

Your momma said that it’s ok

The door is open come on outside

No I can’t come out today

It’s not the wind that cracked your shoulder

And threw you to the ground

Who’s there that makes you so afraid

You’re shaken to the bone

And I don’t understand

You deserve so much more than this

-sarah mclachlan-

When it's easier to use someone else's

words because the consequences are less severe.....

Juicy Pineapples and War of the worlds

Look at Jerry! So handsome and saving the world next to Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning. "Fire the Javelin!" I'd know that rugged, manly voice anywhere. Steph's a lucky woman to be engaged to a guy who can conquer aliens AND Iraqi insurgents. And if it isn't the adorable Juicy Pineapples cheering for his favourite uncle up on the screen. Man, the have good genes. I can't wait for Steph and Jerry to have wee little man cubs of their own!

Manager is just a nice way to say pimp....

Wes is now officially my manager/pimp. He is essential to my plotting and as such has been given an important title. I cannot divulge the extent or details of our plans. then they wouldn't be secret. suffice it to say that Wes is the facilitator of my intentions. I can't live without you oh friend of friends.

Let the obsession begin.....

Harmless, of course, since we all know how I tend to pick things up passionately and then quickly and suddenly change course. Therefor, I will obsess now and be sane later. maybe. well, as sane as I ever am. which is in the eye of the beholder, it would seem. Kelly told me recently that it's dangerous when i don't have a job. I think too much for anyone's good. I am fairly certain she's right. I write, progression on my book that will be interesting to me and me alone, progression nonetheless. I sing, to one of the three cds that I have left after my flight from miami and my mom's Chicago soundtrack (how much would i love to be a part of a performance of the cell block tango!?!?). I pontificate, I analyze, I philosophize. I make plans for my future, then I break them off and make new ones, then i break those off and make newer plans still. And, I drag Wes out to listen to all of my obsessions. including, but not limited to misconceptions of Feminism, abortion/privacy dangers and the future thereof in the US and Canada, my dreams about stealing neglected children and bringing them all home to make sure they are loved (literally i had a dream about taking someone's baby). And of course we also go for lovely walks and just enjoy each other's company. And go to the movies.....which brings us to my most recent obsession, pictured above.

Tyler Hilton. Wes, mom and I went to see Walk the Line and I was sooo impressed by this unknown guy who played Elvis. so, i looked him up (again i have a lot of free time before i head to watertown, NY) . Well, as it turns out he fits the bill of the kind of guy that I find adorable.
The following are a list of my weak points:

a) the 'Boston' type facial structure-----check
b) guitar player------------------------check
c) crazy hair---------------------------check
d) height------------------------------check (i wonder if he's 6'2"? that would be perfect)

Anyway, he's adorable and I'm mildly obsessed. i say mildly because I have yet to do anything too crazy. and while i may do things that perhaps my loved ones find inadvisable, I am not one for degrading myself in the manner of celebrity worship. not since the Harrison Ford vigil of 1996-2000. After that I 'grew up'. I am a grown up, i suppose and didn't want, over a crush anyway, to act like a 12 year old girl. I don't think i've even had a crush on anyone. Once you are 'grown up', it's not so much crushing as it is just pursuing. But, my crush on Tyler Hilton (did i mention he's damned adorable) probably results from the fact that i won't be ACTUALLY pursuing him. I will just listen to his music and daydream about how cool i would be if we hung out. resultingly, of course, he would fall in love with me.
Although, I'm not asking for him to fall in love with me. Goodness knows (as you all do) I tend to bolt over such feelings anyway. I'm not asking to get married or to have his children. I just think we should hang out/make out, whatever. We would have beer and nachos. sufficiently neutral and fun foods. I think that would be enjoyable all around. HE would be a fool not to want to hang out with me right? I mean, to know me is to love me, right?

Of course, when i told wes that i had a crush on Tyler his first question was...."does he have a girlfriend?" ah, the harsh reputation of a homewrecker.