Sleepless Soul Searching

I have woken up with what appears to be the foul beginnings of a cold. The girls have been so sick and i suppose it serves me right for thinking I am impervious to sickness. After wasting time tossing and turning in bed, I decided to get up and not frustrate myself by kicking at the blankets and trying to sniff my sinuses clear.

So now I'm up. And what can you do at 2:30 am, other than stare down the barbarous face of your soul and force her to answer your questions.

I can't remember the last time i couldn't sleep. I can always sleep, in fact it is a point of laughter for Steph that I am always napping. it's the secret to my success, she says. So, i ask myself, am i not sleeping because of my struggling nasal passages or because I can't stop thinking about a certain person who is threatening to pull down the walls that I have so painstakingly built up for my protection and self-preservation? I forged this Rapunzel-esque tower so long ago in an effort to rise above the negative elements keeping me back from freedom of spirit. For a while I was a prisoner in my own tower of strength. As so many people become.

"And the grave that you refuse to leave The refuge that you've built to flee The places that you've come to fear the most It's the place that you have come to fear the most"

Once I realized that I my pheonix act had actually burned me and made me cynical I set about making myself the Queen of my prison. And I feel content in having done so. Not to say that I have changed so much, but perhaps just tried to be aware of the self-infliction of my incarceration. By looking to myself not only for where to lay blame, but also to make change I managed to become the glowing ember that I have remained for what seems like eternity and makes me look back at past relationships and experiences as lifetimes past.

So, now that someone has entered my realm, I am losing sleep. I am not afraid to open the doors of my personal utopia, but rather afraid because I am not afraid. I had become somewhat settled in the idea that I would not be able to share this contented lifestyle with anyone. mostly because i assumed that I would be compromising the sterility of my happiness by letting in someone else's air. and i suppose i will be. i just didn't think that it would be so easy. especially since I have pretty strong, and quick defences. unfairly so (for anyone trying to get in). I have jumped to the defense of my castle so swiftly and much of the time viciously. guarding what is mine.

and then he walks in to my life and i somehow manage to be the gracious hostess of my soul without throwing out the guards ahead of myself.

his ability to instantaneously disarm me has impressed me. he has managed to disarm me, yet keep the strength intact. or perhaps i have managed to disarm and still be strong.

and so, when i told Brad, "this one's different" I heard how horribly cliched it sounded. and i don't blame him entirely for questioning the legitimacy of my feelings. Why is he different? I don't know. What is it that has given him this access to my feelings in a way that no other has had? I have no idea. But i want to find out. There is the difference. He has gained pasage that no other has been given and I would like to explore how and why all of a sudden i feel free to give this and why him. that's why he's different. so perhaps it's not him that's different. it's us. it's this time.

My challenge now is to recognize that my need for perfection in relationships is unrealistic and to not let this demand prevent the piecing together of whatever we might put forth. The perfection has already been tainted by a slap-in-the-face dose of reality. Which, thankfully has been resolved. i feel myself wanting to resort to pretend-that-didn't-happen mode in order to retain my projected ideal of what we should be. but i don't want to. i want to deal with this head on so that i won't be setting us up for a dramatic fall later like i have done in the past. is recognition of my unmeetable standards enough? or do i actually have to stop having them? that sounds so hard. how do you dig out something that you carved into yourself so deeply without meaning to?

it's funny how honest we have been with each other. it's a good thing we feel similarly or we would definetly have freaked each other out! I told him today that I was scared because i've really put my all into him already, so quickly, on so little. and because i never allow that to happen, if this doesn't work out I'm worried that it will break down part of my contented nature. part of me. and he replied that if it doesn't work out it will be my fault because he's all in for me. and i laughed. it was perfect. my kind of perfect. He tells me like it is like i do him and i love it. no one else has ever reciprocated such honesty of feeling, at least not managing to express it in a way that i respond well to. Steph you were right when you said he's good for me because he's not gonna kiss my ass. I loved someone once, a lifetime ago, because he was the first man to ever say no to me and mean it. Although, that was a more spell-bindingly oppresive kind of no. This honesty and fairplay, forcing me to be as accountable as he is willing to be, encourages me. It makes me want to play fair. Something I haven't done with any man in a long time.

That's why this one is different.