Not a single regret

You know, my love, I knew
I knew you were my first chance to run
You know, my love, I used you
I used you to convince myself out of here.
You know, my love, I needed you
I needed your help to get away
I knew you were a vessel, not a port.
I just didn't tell you.

And I'm not sorry for using you the way i did
There's no apologies floating around this girl's head
I have no problem sleeping at night, over you
I have not a single regret

You know, my conquests, I knew
I knew you were my chance to forget
You know, my conquests, I used you
I used you to convince myself of needlessness
You know, my conquests, i needed you
I needed your help to be free
I knew you were an adventure, not an undertaking.
I just didn't tell you.

And I'm not sorry for using you the way i did
There's no apologies floating around this girl's head
I have no problem sleeping at night, over you
I have not a single regret

You know, my boss, I knew
I knew you were my chance to nurture
You know, my boss, I used you
I used you to convince myself of my truths
You know, my boss, I needed you
I needed your help to be broken.
I knew you were the trial, not the lesson
I just didn't tell you.

And I'm not sorry for using you the way I did
There's no apologies floating around this girl's head
I have no problem sleeping at night, over you
I have not a single regret

You know, my boy, I knew
I knew you were my next chance to run
You know, my boy, I used you
I used you to convince myself I wasn't so lost
You know, my boy, I needed you
I needed your help to be reclaimed
I knew you were the journey, not the destination.
I just didn't tell you

And I'm not sorry for using you the way i did
There's no apologies floating around this girl's head
I have no problem sleeping at night, over you
I have not a single regret.

If you all formed a club of some kind
If you all got together in one room
If you all compared notes on my heartless technique
bruised egos, death threats, and slanderous comments abounding

but I know, guys, you knew
you knew I was your chance to boast
I know, guys, you used me
you used me to convince yourselves of bloated worth
I know, guys, you needed me
you needed my help to shine
i knew i was a chapter, not the story.
I just didn't tell you

And I'm not sorry for using you the way i did
There's no apologies floating around this girl's head
I have no problem sleeping at night, over you
I have not a single regret

And I'm not sorry
I have not a single regret

Felicidades Compleanyos Auntie Cathy & Chris

Happy Birthday to my Spectacular Brother and my most wondrous Auntie Cathy.
Monday is such a bizarre day to have a birthday. And, thus far, both your monday birthday experiences have held true to form. Auntie Cathy has a house full of sick boys and Chris had several essays due today. One of which he tried to convince me to write last night at midnight. Sorry to let you down little brother. With a little more notice i probably would have. So, here is Chris and his Trenchcat. Auntie Cathy is hard to capture on film. she's elusively always behind the camera.
I love you both and I hope that your day today (respectively) are full of the bizarre wonderment that could only happen to the two of you. two of the most unique and amazing people i've ever known.

Once violated, always violated?

Hey your glass is empty

It’s a hell of a long way home

Why don’t you let me take you

It’s no good to go alone

I never would have opened up

But you seemed so real to me

After all the bullshit I’ve heard

It’s refreshing not to see

I don’t have to pretend

She doesn’t expect it from me

Don’t tell me I haven’t been good to you

Don’t tell me I have never been there for you

Don’t tell me why

Nothing is good enough

Hey little girl would you like some candy

Your momma said that it’s ok

The door is open come on outside

No I can’t come out today

It’s not the wind that cracked your shoulder

And threw you to the ground

Who’s there that makes you so afraid

You’re shaken to the bone

And I don’t understand

You deserve so much more than this

-sarah mclachlan-

When it's easier to use someone else's

words because the consequences are less severe.....

Juicy Pineapples and War of the worlds

Look at Jerry! So handsome and saving the world next to Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning. "Fire the Javelin!" I'd know that rugged, manly voice anywhere. Steph's a lucky woman to be engaged to a guy who can conquer aliens AND Iraqi insurgents. And if it isn't the adorable Juicy Pineapples cheering for his favourite uncle up on the screen. Man, the have good genes. I can't wait for Steph and Jerry to have wee little man cubs of their own!

Manager is just a nice way to say pimp....

Wes is now officially my manager/pimp. He is essential to my plotting and as such has been given an important title. I cannot divulge the extent or details of our plans. then they wouldn't be secret. suffice it to say that Wes is the facilitator of my intentions. I can't live without you oh friend of friends.

Let the obsession begin.....

Harmless, of course, since we all know how I tend to pick things up passionately and then quickly and suddenly change course. Therefor, I will obsess now and be sane later. maybe. well, as sane as I ever am. which is in the eye of the beholder, it would seem. Kelly told me recently that it's dangerous when i don't have a job. I think too much for anyone's good. I am fairly certain she's right. I write, progression on my book that will be interesting to me and me alone, progression nonetheless. I sing, to one of the three cds that I have left after my flight from miami and my mom's Chicago soundtrack (how much would i love to be a part of a performance of the cell block tango!?!?). I pontificate, I analyze, I philosophize. I make plans for my future, then I break them off and make new ones, then i break those off and make newer plans still. And, I drag Wes out to listen to all of my obsessions. including, but not limited to misconceptions of Feminism, abortion/privacy dangers and the future thereof in the US and Canada, my dreams about stealing neglected children and bringing them all home to make sure they are loved (literally i had a dream about taking someone's baby). And of course we also go for lovely walks and just enjoy each other's company. And go to the movies.....which brings us to my most recent obsession, pictured above.

Tyler Hilton. Wes, mom and I went to see Walk the Line and I was sooo impressed by this unknown guy who played Elvis. so, i looked him up (again i have a lot of free time before i head to watertown, NY) . Well, as it turns out he fits the bill of the kind of guy that I find adorable.
The following are a list of my weak points:

a) the 'Boston' type facial structure-----check
b) guitar player------------------------check
c) crazy hair---------------------------check
d) height------------------------------check (i wonder if he's 6'2"? that would be perfect)

Anyway, he's adorable and I'm mildly obsessed. i say mildly because I have yet to do anything too crazy. and while i may do things that perhaps my loved ones find inadvisable, I am not one for degrading myself in the manner of celebrity worship. not since the Harrison Ford vigil of 1996-2000. After that I 'grew up'. I am a grown up, i suppose and didn't want, over a crush anyway, to act like a 12 year old girl. I don't think i've even had a crush on anyone. Once you are 'grown up', it's not so much crushing as it is just pursuing. But, my crush on Tyler Hilton (did i mention he's damned adorable) probably results from the fact that i won't be ACTUALLY pursuing him. I will just listen to his music and daydream about how cool i would be if we hung out. resultingly, of course, he would fall in love with me.
Although, I'm not asking for him to fall in love with me. Goodness knows (as you all do) I tend to bolt over such feelings anyway. I'm not asking to get married or to have his children. I just think we should hang out/make out, whatever. We would have beer and nachos. sufficiently neutral and fun foods. I think that would be enjoyable all around. HE would be a fool not to want to hang out with me right? I mean, to know me is to love me, right?

Of course, when i told wes that i had a crush on Tyler his first question was...."does he have a girlfriend?" ah, the harsh reputation of a homewrecker.

Abortion is a red herring

After much time and effort exerted in frustration over the general misconceptions about feminism, I have decided to write a reader-friendly article. There are so many people that I love and respect, people whom i consider to be educated, knowledgeable and intelligent, who i believe are relatively unaware of feminism, it's goals and it's causes. And, even, it's varying definitions and ideologies. In order to agree or disagree it is necessary to be informed about the nature of the beast. In discussing it all with Wes yesterday I have decided this is not only necessary, but to not do so is dangerously apathetic.

Now, instead of beginnning with feminism as a whole, I have decided to delve into an area of much dead-horse beating. In an attempt to, once again, dispel the misconceptions and misinformation that I believe runs rampant in these topics.
My article is entitled (informally) "Abortion is the smelliest of red herrings"

Here I am going to give a brief sneak peek into my thoughts....

With all the turmoil at present in the US concerning the supreme court nominations, it is not only ignorant, but dangerous for us to be uninformed (at the least, let alone actively protesting).
To believe that the results in the US are not going to change things here in Canada is simply naive. The organizations pushing for the repeal of abortion laws in the US are inseperably tied to thier sister organizations in Canada. Therefor, it is as important to be informed about what is going on there as here. On that note, however, I wonder how many of you (us) are informed about the laws concerning abortion in Canada. I bet it's not as accessible and available as you think. Several provinces have zero access to abortion. Several provinces refuse to cover it under Ohip, stating that it is an elective(while Ohip has no qualms about covering gastric bypass!!).

My main topic of coversation in the article, however, is not morality of abortion. That is the red herring. Instead it is the following:

To believe that one would not be adversely affected by anti-choice legislation is uninformed, short-sighted and dangerously apathetic.
I will argue the whole picture of anti-choice history and current affects. It is much more broad than you could possibly argue would specifically be removable from any person's given life.

The right to abortion is a by-product of privacy protection laws. To repeal abortion is to repeal the rights to privacy doctrines. To do so is to relinquish rights of living in any way that is not cohesive to the moral majority. Are you prepared to do that? Can you support that with the idea that you are not going to ever have an abortion and are therefor, unnaffected by accompanying legislation?

Before you argue for or against anything I have said, remember that this is a sneak peek into my full argument. And if you know me, you know that I appreciate a good debate with real arguments. So, after reading my article, if you are prepared to back up what you have to say. then i am happy to listen to any rebuttles that head my way.

another tattoo?!?

I can't get a tattoo of the faery that Chris drew me because it's beauty is in the details. The hard work which he put forth to make it the perfectly wondrous piece of art that it is. If i can not have it all, i won't desecrate it with a half complete version that would only cower in the shadow of it's muse. If you are reading this, perhaps you have read my august blog where the faery picture is posted. It is hard to see the details. One really, must see the drawing up close. but believe me, it is a diligent work of faery wing mastery.
SO...I was chatting on msn with Chris the other day and he sent me a picture that he had whipped up while watching some sci-fi show. or a sci-fi show in disguise (see i was listening brother). And it is the columbine posted here. Now, it is not that I am particularly partial to columbines. I am, however, a fan of my brothers drawings and I like this drawing because it is delicate in nature. Now, deciding where on my body I would put it....I'm thinking up my right side. Under where my arm would lay if it was straight down. Any ideas? input? please let me know....

To my future husband....

who may or may not exist,

One of my biggest fears (hyperbole, it's actually one of those little nagging fears) in life has been that I would fall in love with someone who would propose to me with a hideous engagement ring. And my idea of hideous is pretty all encompassing since I am not a fan of jewelery at all. Therefor, I have found a picture to help guide you into finding a ring that I would love to wear. How horrible it would be to have to wear a typical engagement ring my whole life and hate it. Actually, Troy found the picture. Troy who was supposed to be my husband! since he is my perfect guy height at 6'2" and the sweetest guy a girl could ever hope to spend time with. even if he did punch me in the nose and shovel dirt in my mouth last year (he did worse to poor Katharine). Thanks Troy! I wish you every happiness that life affords. I will think of you when, if ever, I do get proposed to (is that weird? that i would think of you, now, when another guy proposes? poor sucker). Well, i suppose i mean if i take up a proposal since I have definetly been proposed to twice already. weird. can any of you see me married? oh man, would that ever get in the way of my nomadic, temptation driven lifestyle. hence the 'if ever'!

deeper than i'm shaken by the violence of existing

Why do we try to describe our most intense feelings? What is it that pushes us to purge thoughts and feelings into words, music, art of any kind. Abstract verbage and metaphores meaningful only to ourselves. Is this the worst kind of self-gratification? Can this selfish expulsion even be measured? or does it just exist as we do? with no answers to give or receive. only the surrender of self-inflicted imprisonment. In our world of blogs and webpages and messenger is it any wonder that we are all hyper aware of each other's psychosis'? and neurosis'? Is it any wonder that we analyze everything to death? It seems to me that the relationships between people have become a giant emotional game of rock, paper, scissors. It began as everyone in it for mutual enjoyment, going with whatever gesture popped into their respective heads and followed to their hands. Now it has evolved into a strategic competition. One must always be a step ahead of the opponent, guessing from the last hand, what the next move will be and thus one's counter move. As we all know, most people fumble when they try to strategize at rock, paper, scissors. As they do in relationship strategizing. Hmm. It is for this reason that I don't like competition. I like a formidable opponent and a challenge, don't get me wrong. I don't, however, appreciate the aggression of competition. I like everyone to have that feeling of accomplishment that comes with winning. I prefer not to keep score. I prefer to talk to each person in a crowd to make sure that no one feels they were left out. I like to read people's blogs and post positive comments because i know how much i love it when people read mine. And i like to purge my thoughts and feelings in words, here and in other forums. using abstract words and metaphores meaningful only to me.

Let me listen to me and not to them

Would you forgive me if i adhered to every stereotype that you project on me?
Would you forget that i once possesed an interesting soul?
Would you deign to enlighten me with all of your money?
Would you believe me if I said i didn't care at all?

I'm not sure why you think that i must be like you.
I'm not sure why you're baffled by my disinterest in your finances.
I'm not sure what reason i'd have to pursue your money.
I'm sure you don't see. see me.

I'd rather take my own chances.

The person you love...reprise (present day)

You won't hurt me again
This time I've hurt you back
I've grown out all of my pretty nails
This time they'll scratch someone else's back
You'd like to kick my stomach
You'd like to punch my pretty face
It's a shame your underestimation makes
the person you love

You won't lie to me again
This time your lies fell flat
I've smiled brightly with my pretty eyes
This time they'll smile at someone else
You'd like to kick my stomach
You'd like to punch my pretty face
It's a shame your degradation makes
the person you love

You won't fuck with me again
This time you've fucked yourself
I'll prance lightly my pretty feet as
This time I'll walk away from you
Your kick to my pride
Your punch to my pretty soul
It's a shame for you that you lose
the person you love

The person you love (from early August)

Don't hurt me again
Next time I'll want to hurt you back
I bit off all of my pretty nails
Next time i'll scratch your eyes out
Your kick to my stomach
Your punch to my pretty face
Will only serve to make me less of
the person you love

Don't lie to me again
Next time I'll want to lie right back
I cried swollen my pretty eyes
Next time I'll glare daggers into your head
The kick to my stomach
The punch to my pretty face
Will only serve to make me less of
the person you love

Don't fuck with me again
Next time I'll want to fuck you back
I paced bloody my pretty feet
Next time I'll walk away from you
The kick to my pride
The punch to my pretty soul
Will only serve to make me love less
the person you are

Don't mistake my love for weakness
My caring isn't proof of no will
I see you and how you perceive what you do
But I won't change
I won't give up myself to fit you
That's where my strength lies

bloom where you are planted, plant yourself wherever your feet are

A wise woman told me recently that I have to learn to bloom where I'm planted. Upon asking her where i was planted, she responded that I am the exception and that I have the gift of being able to plant myself wherever i go. I had missed the point. I had thought I was being told to plant myself in a particular place. She was telling me to bloom. She is right. She is wonderful. I love her and I hope she knows how much she has meant to me. Her support and ability to point things out to me about my life. my strengths, my gifts and how they have affected people more than i perhaps would have presumed on my own that they had. But i digress....

I am not my destination
I am not the same person I was yesterday
Nor am I the person I will be tommorow
I am today
I will always be only today
To be true to the journey of myself I must be
a faithful lover to the spirit of my present
Never forsaking it for the hope of tommorow or the memory of yesterday
And in return, today will be the chivalrous companion I have searched for
Tommorow will remain just beyond reach
Yesterday will remain a hard lesson
Today will never let me down

I'm a brick and i'll drown you slowly

There's apparently no messing with destiny. I am on course for a certain reason and fate will not let me falter. That doesn't mean, necessarily, that i'll stop tryin to screw with my destiny. But, for now i'm back to embracing my life, which i have always loved so much. This Brick may drown others, but it doesn't hurt the brick any right? being the rock that the river constantly crashes into, doesn't hurt the rock. it moves the river. eventually the water, as it moves around the rock, will erode the banks and make a new path. leaving the rock unaltered, except perhaps to be smoother and prettier.

here's to being a pretty, strong rock.
a pretty strong rock.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout...

... 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

How true, how true. Thusly, in the spirit of not turning around, and indeed moving forward in said tunnel I have purged my apartment miami-style.