leave me purgatorying

As i sit here, in my Elmvale apartment, I am purgatorying in my own thoughts. I have delved into ranch work again so wholly that I am questioning why i ever left, and the sensibleness of going back. i love it so much. i don't regret being there, but I immediately want to take up all my old projects and follow through where others have not. and i want to pick up what others have left or are leaving so that there will be nothing half done. of course, this leaves me where i was last year, with 7 days a week 12-15 hour days. outside, in the rain and cold. and last year i lost a lot of weight, had an exhaustion-induced breakdown and lost my voice several times. hmm...wise? I will have to make strict boundaries as to my limitations of self-preservation. The only problem with that being that I love all aspects of work at the ranch and i can't bring myself to cut anything out. Tracy asked me this morning if i know what i want to do longterm with my future. And i feel the same way. some people think i lack direction. it's just not true. i just can't narrow down my love for all directions. I love the school tours in the mornings on weekdays. i get to take whole classes of children and teach them about plant life cycles and help them do crafts and pick pumpkins and play, what's not to like? and i love the groups in the evenings on weekends because they are always kids that are so fun and it's not busy so i can just make friends with the kids and play with them and we all have fun. on the weekends there is so much going on, it's the busy pumpkinmania season, no one wants to miss that! Then the evenings of enchanted farm are so fun! Albeit, taxing on the body. and since i weigh far less this year than i did last year i don't want to overdo it and lose more. i'll be gangly! no one likes a gangly woman. well, i don't want to be anyway. So, it's hard to choose among so many fun jobs. not to mention that it means i have to disapoint someone by saying i can't help with their area of the ranch. Regardless, I am so looking forward to this coming weekendand the double edged sword that is the ranch fun! If you are reading this then you should come and watch me in my element as the dramatic haunted wagon ride host!

What was i thinking?

I can't think of anyone in miami who is glad that i was there. oh, wait. Danny. wonderful danny. otherwise, i seem to have left behind several broken hearts and lots of hurt feelings. It's so true that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I'm so glad to be back home. back where i am me. where people know me and understand my neuroses (sp?), my intentions, my eccentricities. and where most of all i have my friends. friends for friendship's sake, not for alternative agendas that end up hurting everyone.

another chapter in my book

So, I'm in Elmvale now. The prodigal return to the ranch. I know everyone has been getting confused as to my whereabouts. I have been moving around a lot, obviously.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive and sent emails, called or otherwise expressed concern over my recent life-altering events. I am doing well now. I am heartbroken to think of not seeing Cory and Lexi again. but otherwise unscathed. The threats have stopped coming. My police report has been filed. I'm pretty sure i won't hear from him anymore. Now on to the rest of my life....whatever and wherever that may be.

For the next month, at least, I will be in Elmvale and working the fall festivities at Rounds' Ranch. I am so excited to start the haunted hayride next weekend. It was so fun last year. and it's only going to be better this year. I can't wait!

So, if you want any more details about what happened in Florida, you're probably out of luck. I'm pretty tired of talking about it. i don't want to let him ruin any more of my time by talking about it because i get upset talking about it. And, if you want to know what i plan to do in the future, you're also out of luck. because i have no idea. and i'm loving it.

I am happy.
I think i'm crazy to be happy considering all that is happening.
but maybe being crazy is how i'm able to be happy.
happy i am.

a nanny no longer

So, I have left Brad's house. i mean i left. I put Lucy in my purse and walked out of his house and didn't go back. i wrote him an email last night to let him know that i wasn't coming back, so that he wouldn't think i was kidnapped or anything. His crazy controlling nature left me feeling i had no other choice. while i tried and tried to remain calm and act rationally it only kept getting back to the same spot where he felt that i owed himn my entire life. So, when he told me that i owed him $1000 for a phone bill i left. another way for him to keep me indefinetly. this time sans pay for a few weeks. and there's no reason why my phone bill should have jumped from the average $50 it's been every other month to $1000. i can't stay in a place where i am so trapped. so now he has been emailing me with vacillating polarity of emotions. one says he wants to know i;m safe and he forgives (?) me and the other says he's reporting me to the us military (?!). so, i'm hoping a bus in about an hour and i'll be out here for good soon! i hope to see you all when i get home. And, i'm ok. not to worry all, i'm tough in the face of adversity. too bad i won't be pretty in the face of adversity because i left all my makeup behind!

Goodbye Miami

The scenery of the ocean shall be the only thing that i miss. Well that and a few select people who have been wonderful and will continue to be so after i leave. i will miss them too. i hope to stay in touch with those who have meant something special to me. and the rest is all in the past. i leave sometime in the next week and head up to watertown, NY. onwards and upwards.