A cat in a sweater and a cat on a hot tin roof

That is Stevens (once known as Gimli)wearing a sweater. Now, i know what you're thinking, I also think it's gross to put clothes on animals. BUT...I knit that sweater for stevens. It is the first knitting project I have ever successfully completed. Despite the fact that Stevens was ....shall we say, less than impressed with having to wear the sweater, i think it was great. I am quite proud and now hyper aware of the fact that i will be that aunt who makes ugly sweaters and then shows up and asks you why you're not wearing it and makes you put it on. that's right. and i'm not ashamed. If i spend the time knitting it with love (and/or malice) then you should damn well wear it! I don't care if it is tiny on your chubby, furry body or if you hate the colours! or maybe my knitting skills will progress and i'll become a skilled knittress (word?) .....

And tonight I watched Cat on a hot tin roof. I'd forgotten how much I love that movie. I would like to see the play. I would like to star in the remake of the movie as Maggie the Cat. and while a remake is NEVER more thana poor man's original.... a remake of this movie, now that censorship is a smidge less strict than in '58 , could put back the original language and homosexual references, which would actually bring TW's intended struggle back into the love triangle that is the catalyst for Maggie and Brick's estrangement. how much would i love to play Maggie?!?!? so much i can't even put it into words. and i put everything into words. into long, descriptive paragraphs full of adjectives and synonyms.......that's what i do!

I got the job! I got the job!

I got the email this morning! The nanny job I wanted is mine! I start on february 20th. Man, oh man. I cannot wait. I am so excited. Excited to get the job, to move back into Toronto, to bond with these two children.

2006 is already shaping up to be better than 2005.

I didn't get kissed at midnight on New Year's eve, but I dealt out some sweet karma of loyalty and love. Now, by the second week of January in this new year I am enjoying an intense high. I have been in an unsinkable mood. If something is crumby, or even just mediocre in my day I can stare out the window and day dream about my life.

I love it so.

I am terrified of the variables in my future. Terrified in the way that I am usually before I launch myself and hit the ground running. Scared of someone who listened to me. The only person who heard me describe the feeling of complete and utter happiness I experienced on my road trip and ....he understood. a believer knows another believer. it is the most terrifying of wonderfuls that he understands. I would never have thought that anyone, let alone a guy I don't know, would have seen my paradise. It's like Narnia, you can tell by looking in someone's eyes if they've been there, if they truly understand your love of that place and how it makes you feel. And he has been there. And he understands. To meet such a kindred spirit of understanding was so wonderful. regardless of anything else, any future or any past of this person in my life, this person is important to me for this.

Not to mention the impending wrongs done that are looming to right themselves. A time in 2005 when I felt unloved. rejected. which is now approaching with each passing hour to redeem itself. an explanation, however unnecessary. since I maintain that everyone (if I allow it for myself) is unconditionally allowed to experience and remain true to their own feelings. apparently, however, I am to be overwhelmed now with the chances of being loved. Even though I believe that the ship has sailed on this particular relationship. It is never too late to resolve and reseam. I am not so rich as to deny a friendship. at least not with someone whom I believe has genuine motives.

And so, for many reasons I am happy. Therefor, my attitude is positive and hopeful. My attitude is what encourages me to think that the year will be sensational. I am hopeful. I refuse to not get my hopes up. To have my hopes up is where that thrillingly terrified feeling. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

It's feast or famine with this sister.

inevitably, here they are....

My resolutions for the new year....some frivolous, some not. but resolved they are nonetheless. Although, i wonder...why it is we feel the need to push the idea at the beginning of each year, like it's some obviously spiritual time for cleansing. the new year being something that is a mere measurement to exact everything that is not spiritual. things defined by humanity and our incessant need to ...well, define. While the trees, the insects, the animals do not acknowledge this our new year. it is not even agreed upon by all of humanity, different cultures and races determining their own time for renewal. why do we insist on pushing our own need for rebirth at this time? I am all for a spiritual cleansing, or even a moment of self-acknowledgement. I just question the idea that it is always on Joelene's birthday. Somewhat selfish of us to hog this day and not let her use this day as her day for introspection and rebirth since it is indeed the anniversary of her birth! I just wonder that we don't choose different times, appropriate only to ourselves for this realization of our own limits and lessons learned. and our resolutions to re route our lives.

All that aside...i have decided to immortalize my resolutions in the hopes that these cosmic wishes will work as written affirmations. and i believe they will. Everyone knows, I'm not so much for doing anything i don't feel like doing....so i wouldn't resolve if i didn't believe. I wouldn't affirm if i didn't think it was possible. but then, i think anything is possible for me. I think it is all possible for anyone who believes. (I can hear you shaking your head, but I also believe you can cram it with walnuts!)

Begin everyday as though it were on purpose.
I don't remember where i heard this or who said it, but i certainly can't take credit. I do, however, think it is a sensational way to begin each day and live your life. I am happy today. Today is the reason I was born. Yesterday doesn't matter and tommorow is uncertain. Today, however, has never abandoned me. it is tried and remains ever true, for that I will not forsake today by being a fair-weather friend.

No more boys gone through like water.
It's too easy. And so few have proven worth spending time with. Therefor, I will drink more water (8 glasses a day!) and put down the boys. I'll have to find my "sorry boys, I'm gay" button. or take Marijana and her pen with me to write about my un-dead status.

Stop wasting skills and skipping activities i love for things that don't matter !
I was at one point fluent in french and proficient at ASL. throw in my passably conversational spanish and i could use these as an asset if i could polish them up a little. Not to mention my lack of painting in the last 6 months. My collages and journals having been left behind with my painting. (left behind both literally and figuratively) I love them. They make me happy, so i must spend more time at the things i love.

No more dying my hair anything other than blonde or cutting it (more than a trim) until after Steph's wedding!

Stop pretending I don't love people i do. Stop pretending i do love people i don't.
Ugh. Hard. Hard because of expectations. but harder to live with than without.

Be happy. without explanation or justification.